Letting go is never easy, even when it’s anticipated. On March 27th, my beautiful 92-year old mother, Wilma Simon Machover, died peacefully in the morning light while listening to Mozart. While her passing was expected as she had been fading these past few months, none of us thought it would happen on that day. But she was ready. As some of you may know, this has been a long goodbye. Mom was diagnosed with vascular dementia eight years ago, a year after my dad died. Her dementia presented many challenges but also learning opportunities and so much love.

In this time of grief, I am deeply moved by the outpouring of messages, support, and loving gestures from family and friends. Thank you so much for your kindness and the beautiful ways you have helped me and my family honor and celebrate my mom’s life.

It’s impossible to summarize her extraordinary life in a few words because there are so many stories and ways that she touched our lives. Instead, I’m sharing a few stories, and the legacy mom left us. 

Mom’s Legacy

When I think about the legacy mom left us, four words stand out:

• Love – which was visible in all things she touched

• Family – which was her everything

• Music – which was her passion

• Community – which she created wherever she was

Mom Stories

1. Love

Love was part of every conversation, decision, and choice mom made. It was present in her relationships and how she loved my dad, siblings, grandkids, family, friends, and me.

I remember after Allison was born and I was pregnant with baby #2, our beautiful Cassie. I was worried and scared, so I talked with my mom. Would I have enough love for another child? She assured me and said that love is an amazing thing. There is no limit on how much love we have. It keeps growing. And she was right. The more you love, the more love you have to give.

Always the teacher and role model, I watched mom. When each of her seven grandkids was born (Allison, Ryan, Cassie, Allegra, Hana, Halle, and Noa,) I saw mom’s heart expand as she welcomed them into the world with open arms and abundant love.

2. Gratitude

My mom was a grateful person. For years, maybe decades, I spoke with her at least once a day. Our calls were frequently about how grateful we were for the people we loved and the time spent together. She’d say, “That’s the good stuff!”

She always communicated a profound sense of gratitude for her family, friends, music, art, and the preciousness of time. Even as her dementia worsened and talking wasn’t always a viable way to communicate, she continued to express gratitude and appreciation in so many ways.

3. Mindfulness

For a brief period, when I was about 9 years old, I remember my mom told me that her friends, Jack and Erva Zuckerman, joined the Gurdjieff Society. The group encouraged a philosophy about life that fascinated her. One of the things my mom described was their belief in living mindfully, although I’m not sure they called it that. She gave an example- if you are making your bed, focus on just that one thing- smoothing the sheets, feeling the fabric, appreciating, and being in the moment.

Mom used to experiment with that idea and sometimes talked aloud to share it with me as she practiced mindfully washing the dishes, folding the laundry, or making the bed. I realized how in mom’s later years, she became my mindfulness guru in another way. Her dementia journey was long. Eventually, Mom lost her memory of the past and wasn’t aware of the future. With those changes, she modeled mindfulness and presence. She found joy in the present through playing piano, listening to music, singing, dancing, smiling, being with people who cared about her, exploring the garden, holding hands, feeling the sun on her face, or being playful.

When I was with her, I entered her world wherever she was, and we experienced the moments together. She helped me appreciate the now even more and savor the precious time I had with her.

4. Lifelong Bond

Mom loved telling me my birth story, which she shared often. She was fully awake when I was born, and the nurse handed me to her right away. She said, “You wrapped your tiny hand around my finger and squeezed it tightly.” Then she said, “I know we’ll be friends forever.” And she was right. We were always close.

Towards the end of her life, she hummed but barely talked. During one of my last visits with her before she died, I held her hand and sang her songs that she loved and used to sing to me. She swayed our hands gently to the rhythm of the music. Then suddenly, she squeezed my hand tightly and placed our hands together over her heart.

At the beginning of my life and the end of hers, there were no words. We shared touch, connection, and beautiful moments of love.

Letting go is never easy. Yet, in our letting go, the stories about those we love live on. Have you experienced letting go challenges or loss? I’d love to hear your thoughts. I invite you to join the conversation.

For years, possibly decades, I spoke with my mom at least once a day. Over time, as her dementia worsened, the phone was no longer a viable way to communicate. I miss our conversations. Our calls frequently were about the people we loved and the time spent together. She’d say, “That’s the good stuff!”  She always communicated a deep sense of gratitude for her family, friends, music, art, and the preciousness of time. 

As the world begins to start, pause, and restart, so much uncertainty and distress exist. What life will look like a month or year from now is impossible to know. Yet, each day we forge forth with work, family, projects, and life. We move ahead despite the considerable uncertainty. It can feel exhausting, overwhelming, or scary. In your mix of doing, are you making time to notice and embrace the “good stuff?”

What is on your “good stuff” list? Here are some of mine:

• Waking up each morning

• Opening my eyes after meditating 

• Taking the first sip of coffee from my favorite mug

• Holding hands with my husband

• Hearing the sound of rain hitting the window panes

• Walking by the river

• Hugging my daughter, especially after being apart for six months

• Baking lemon blueberry muffins

• Picking herbs from my mini garden

• Capturing images of people, places, and nature with my camera

• Swimming in my friend’s pool

• Hearing birds sing

• Touching a very soft blanket

• Sitting quietly

• Biting into a big, juicy piece of watermelon

• Writing with my favorite pen

• Watching the leaves rustle in the breeze

• Having a conversation (phone, Zoom, or in-person) with a friend or loved one

• Relaxing in the hammock

• Eating a chocolate brownie Yasso pop

• Seeing my client experience an “ah-ha” moment during their virtual organizing session

• Writing in my journal

• Watching a good movie, or even a bad one

• Kayaking on any river

• Discovering new tomatoes growing on my cherry tomato plant

• Being still during the last ten minutes of yoga class

• Discovering vibrantly colored flowers

• Reading a good book

• Learning something new

• Getting into bed at the end of the day

“In your mix of doing, are you making time to notice and embrace the good stuff?”

— Linda Samuels, CPO-CD®

Time is a gift. Some of our time will be spent navigating the daily doings of life. Included with responsibilities and commitments are also those things that make your heart sing. Or, as my mom would say, “the good stuff.” What is one thing you include on your list? I’d love to hear your thoughts. I invite you to join the conversation!

Clutter comes in many forms. Often we see a physical display with our paper piles, overflowing closets, or garages too full for the car. But there is also mental clutter where our thoughts take over in unproductive ways. Mind clutter causes undue anxiety and stress. Have you experienced mind clutter? If so, you’re not alone. One of my friends recently said to me that, especially now during the COVID-19 pandemic, it’s useful to let go of “If only…” from your vocabulary.

What valuable wisdom! Those “if only” phrases can breed regret and anxiety. They aren’t beneficial for your wellbeing or peace of mind. I noticed how often I was going down the “if only” road. I also realized how that type of thinking cluttered my mind and made me feel helpless. Have you walked down this path before?

Some of my mind cluttering thoughts focused on my mom. She has dementia and lives in a memory care facility. They have been on lockdown for almost two months, and I haven’t been able to visit her. Many residents there have died from COVID-19, and my mom tested asymptomatic positive a few weeks ago. I kept thinking, “If only I could see her.”  I worried about her wellbeing, whether she’d survive the virus, and whether I’d ever see her again. I know that many people are experiencing similar situations with their loved ones. It’s heartbreaking.

My mind was also cluttered with worry over our older daughter’s safety. She lives, works, and volunteers in Brooklyn, which is one of the hotbeds of the COVID-19 outbreak. I kept thinking, “If only I could bring her home or wrap her in a protective bubble.” I know. These thoughts were not realistic. She’s an adult and very much in charge of her own life. However, as her mom, my instinct to protect her flooded my thoughts.

“Those ‘if only’ phrases can breed regret and anxiety.”

— Linda Samuels

These are just a few examples of my internal “if only” conversations. I’m guessing you see how unproductive these thoughts were. I had no control over these situations. Little by little, I stopped using this phrase. Instead, I have been harnessing all the mindfulness resources I have available, like meditation, yoga, and nature. They help me focus on the present and relinquish control about uncertainties. I continually work at this. On the good days, I’m more agile and able to lean into what arises, be present with now, and stay in the moment. I let go of “if only.”

I’ve read that 85-90% of the things we worry about never happen. Mind clutter worry is unproductive. And as it turns out, it’s a good teacher too. There was a beautiful twist (and lesson) in my “if only” exploration. 

“Mind clutter worry is unproductive. And as it turns out, it’s a good teacher too.”

— Linda Samuels

Mom waving hello

Last week, I had in-person visit (masked and at a physical distance,) one with my mom and another with our daughter. I cannot begin to express how much good it did my heart and mind to be in their presence. What a joy being with them. Even though I received photos and regular updates about my mom, seeing her walk, sing, smile, and wave lifted my heart and spirits.

Our daughter, Allison, turned 30 this week. My husband and I drove to Brooklyn to bring her some birthday goodies and hang out for a quick visit. During the pandemic, we’ve talked and Zoomed, but being in her physical presence was such a gift. I felt settled, seeing that she was doing just fine.

Allison in Brooklyn - Two Tree Studios

In challenging times there is learning. And this time is a great teacher. I learned to let go of unproductive mind clutter, to release control over the uncontrollable, to trust the strength of others, and to soak in the beautiful moments of connection and calm. 

Have you experienced mind clutter recently? What helps you navigate the chatter? I’d love to hear your thoughts. I invite you to join the conversation.