What is it about asking for help? Is it something you do readily? Or, do you tend to do or want to do everything yourself? There is no shame in enlisting help. So why do we procrastinate, stress, and delay getting support? As a professional organizer, I am used to receiving calls from overwhelmed folks who want help. I am also a person that at times, struggles to ask for assistance.

This happened recently to me. My mom died in March. While many of the things around her death I completed, I still have a few things to do. One of those tasks is getting her footstone made. I wanted the same company that made my father’s footstone, help make my mom’s. I obsessed about getting the footstone created and installed. I added a task to my list but kept postponing it. Maybe I wasn’t ready. Or, perhaps ordering the footstone made my mom’s death feel more final. I didn’t move forward or ask for help. I stayed stuck.

And then last week, the day arrived. The cue to work on mom’s footstone project appeared on my to-do list again. I pulled out my file, found the name and number of the monument company, picked up the phone, and dialed. Here’s the incredible thing. Within a few minutes, they knew who I was, where my mom was buried and gave me clear next steps for getting the footstone made. A half-hour later, they emailed me all of the details- the quote, forms to complete, and checks to write.

I had been stressed and obsessing for months. By enlisting help from a professional, I was able to take those next steps. Getting the process started was such a huge relief. It felt like a giant weight was lifted. I couldn’t believe how simple it was and how long I had berated myself for not getting help. One phone call yielded such comfort. 

“There is no shame in enlisting help.”

— Linda Samuels, CPO-CD®, CVPO™

Then it hit me that mine and my clients’ experiences are similar. When potential clients contact me, they often are overwhelmed, stuck, and have felt that way for a long time. They describe reasons they procrastinate about getting help, which include:

• Embarrassed for needing help

• Despair that they feel like a lost cause

• Unsure of who to call

• Frustration that they “should” be able to get organized on their own

They feel their disorganization and situation is impossible. However, when you are willing and ready for change, movement is possible.

“When you are willing and ready for change, movement is possible.”

— Linda Samuels, CPO-CD®, CVPO™

My clients make positive shifts during their virtual organizing sessions, and it’s a beautiful change to see. I’ve written about this before with the types of transformations they have during a typical one-hour session. Enlisting help is beneficial. Virtual organizing clients might begin their sessions feeling overwhelmed, but the story doesn’t end there. Here are some recent thoughts clients expressed at the end of their sessions:

• “I see the light at the end of the tunnel.” 

• “I know I can do it. I can pair things down.”

•  “It was kind of overwhelming but easier than I thought.”

• “Saying goodbye to the past- it felt good, cathartic.”

• “Amazing. This is such a good feeling.”

•  “My pile of ‘going’ is getting bigger.”

•  “Things feel mentally more manageable.”

•  “This feels so good what we did today. At the beginning of the session, I felt like crying. Now I feel giddy.”

Like my clients, I felt better and moved forward when I sought out help. When was the last time you reached out for support? What did you experience? Was the help you received beneficial? I’d love to hear your thoughts. I invite you to join the conversation. 

Sheila Delson - "Ask the Expert" interview about Letting GoThe arrival of spring brings more dynamic, inspiring leaders with the “Ask the Expert” interview series. So far this year, we’ve spoken with Laura Berman Fortgang about next steps, Judith Kolberg about change, and Sue West about fresh starts. This month I’m excited to share with you an outstanding leader in the professional organizing industry, Sheila Delson, to share her insights and wisdom about letting go.

Sheila and I have been friends and colleagues for almost 20 years. The first time we met, she arrived at my house bringing a delicious loaf of lavender-infused bread that she had just baked. The lavender had been picked from her beautiful garden. We talked for hours about the organizing industry, her newly launched business, life, and family. Twenty years later, our conversations and friendship continue. A trusted confidant, I have great admiration for her compassion, intelligence, dedication, creativity, and integrity. I also want to congratulate Sheila for being given just this week, the most prestigious honor in our industry, the 2013 NAPO Founders' Award. My deepest thanks goes to Sheila for taking the time to join us. Before we begin, here’s more about her.

Sheila Delson, CPO-CD®, is owner and President of FREEDomain Concepts, LLC, founded in 1994.  She is a Certified Professional Organizer specializing in Chronic Disorganization, ADHD and compulsive hoarding. Sheila is a co-founder and Past President of the Institute for Challenging Organization (ICD), a co-developer of the group’s Certification Program, a Master Trainer, and an original co-author of the ICD Clutter-Hoarding Scale.  An active member of the National Association of Professional Organizers (NAPO), Sheila currently serves on the NAPO-NY Chapter Board of Directors, and is an award recipient from both organizations for her contributions to the professional organizing industry. You can connect with Sheila on her website.

Linda Samuels:  You’re an expert that specializes in working with the chronically disorganized population? What makes letting go particularly challenging for this group?

Sheila Delson:  What is particularly difficult for this population is their extreme emotional attachment to things, which is frequently fear-based and sometimes caused by a false belief system. The added struggle is the incongruence between what a person intellectually understands to be normal and acceptable, and what she or he intuitively understands may not be.  This is a frustrating scenario for most of the chronically disorganized population.

Linda:  What are a few creative techniques you use to encourage the letting go process?

Sheila:  I try to desensitize and normalize the object by asking the client to describe the importance of an item. I write down the answer (making it concrete), then together we reality-check the response to both their intellectual and intuitive senses. To do this process I try to formulate questions avoiding language words like you, your, they, and them. For example, “Can you explain to me what is so important about this item?” and ”Can you tell me how this item supports the plan we just developed? Does your response match that plan or hinder it?”  I do use the word “we” because it brings the conversation into the present time…not of the past because ‘change’ happens in the present. Minimizing the personalization factor provides the client with a perspective advantage because it minimizes the emotional connection.

Linda:  What has been the most surprising discovery about letting go?

Sheila:  How is it both painful and liberating all at the same time, and the fact that the process is so different for everyone.  Similar to an anesthetic, a qualified Professional Organizer provides direction, council, and ultimately relief to the process.

Linda:  Do you have a letting go philosophy?

Sheila:  It’s about being more mindful of the choices we make and of the things that surround our environment and their meaning to our lives today.  Just because it was meaningful once doesn’t always mean it has that same benefit today.  In fact it may have the opposite effect!  I like to use a modified version of the Tony Robins’ mantra (brackets mine): “The past doesn’t [have to] equal the future,” – unless we choose to allow it to be - for better or worse!

Linda:  What has been your biggest personal challenge around letting go?

Sheila:  You know it’s really the same as it is for my clients. Hey…we’re human, right?  We all get so busy, and the months, years pass by so fast that we don’t pay attention to the things that have accumulated. We get overwhelmed by daily pressures and then procrastinate deciding on how we should feel about an item or what to do with it. Instead of mindful choosing we procrastinate and mindlessly shove it into a file drawer, or onto a pile, or into a closet, and slam the door!  For me, learning to become more ‘mindful’ has been my salvation and is what I try to impart to my clients. It is a deliberate, conscious activity that can be learned and developed.

Linda:  Is there anything you’d like to share about letting go that I haven’t asked?

Sheila:  Yes…”Downsizing.”  With all the ‘Boomers’ now coming of age, I think this term has negative implications for many.  The very word “down” makes people want to avoid, avoid, avoid! It’s an old term that doesn’t have the same relevancy today that it did 50 years ago. Today’s boomer age group are still working and are active contributors in their communities and families.  For today’s boomers, it’s not about “DOWN” anything, but more about “RIGHT making and LIGHT making,” mindfully reviewing a lifetime of accumulation of things and letting go of the things that hold us (down) back by carefully choosing the things that continue to support where we are today, going forward. 

Thank you, Sheila for sharing your thoughts about letting go. You’ve identified many ideas that resonate with me like using desensitization to minimize emotional attachments to our possessions, getting past our past, and engaging in mindfulness. All of these are essentials in the letting go process.

I invite all of you to join Sheila and me to continue the conversation. We’d love to hear your ideas about letting go. What letting go challenges or successes have you experienced recently?